Monday, June 21, 2010


The older that I get the more I wished I had the mom and dad that loved me.  I gets lonely for family to be close to.  I break down crying and wonder why I didn't have what others have.  Some may look at it as having a self pity party.  But what they don't understand is that now I am raising children of my own and have no idea how to be that mom that I need to be.  Then I am judged because I may not raise my kids the way everyone else thinks I need to.  I try to hang onto being content with what I have.  I wish I had that mom that was there when I married my wonderful husband and when I had my babies.  No one can really fill the role of a mother unless its your own mom.  And to have a loving father that was there to protect you and help you.  My father could have cared less about us.  He cared for himself then he did for us.  I wonder why he didn't love me.  Why he hated me so much.  I guess I will never understand that either.  Its sad that my children only have one set of grandparents ( my dh family). I was taken from my dad when I was little. 

This is where I struggle with contentment.  Being happy with my own family.  But I feel lonely for what I didn't have.  I try not to dwell on the fact that I will never have a close knit family.  I ask the Lord to help me be happy.  Be happy in him and to dwell on the family that I have now.  How can I though when I can't seem to be a great mom to my kids?  I know I am not the only one who didn't have a family and they seem happy and cheerful.  How can I become happy and cheerful?  Its easy to say oh the Lord will help.  I already know that.  But lately it doesn't seem like that helps at all.  I don't know why its hit me now.  My dh says to focus on what I do have.  I try.  No one really knows how I try.  Well thats my self pity party for the day. 


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